


a pearl

by waterwalle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Regulus Black-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, Under age smoking, Underage Drinking, basically me talking about my life in the guise of regulus black and fiction, he never tells james he loves him, i am taking projecting to a whole new level, i do be getting personal lol, plz ignore this, under age sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28168122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterwalle/pseuds/waterwalle
Summary: i am ranting about my life through regulus black which is a bad idea but i don't carealso i'm drunk do not do thisalso when I say underage i mean underage i made some really bad life decisionsalso this is based on a pearl by mitski you should listen to it it's great
Relationships: Regulus Black/Evan Rosier, Regulus Black/James Potter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	a pearl

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry about this you can ignore if you want also im not proof reading or editing this so it's gonna be bad

One thing that he knew was that he didn't love Evan Rosier. He knew that he probably should; in the way where if someone loves you your supposed to love them back. He also however knows that Evan, no matter what he says probably doesn't really love him. Evan never has had someone like he has Regulus and he most likely doesn't know what the type of love he's looking for, if he did he would of known that he could of never found that with Regulus in his arms.

Sometimes he makes Regulus sick. The fact that he gets sick makes him even sicker. Evan is beautiful and he's a person that has stars in his eyes and soft hands and hair. He holds Regulus at night when ever their done fucking and Regulus feels most of all dirty. He's spent the night calling Evan beautiful and darling and sweetheart and touching him and making sure that he didn't regret falling in love with him, and yet he can't even spend five minutes afterwards to hold him or stay in his arms without having to get up and wash his hands and face scrubbing until his skin is red and rough. In some weird ways he hates him, hates that Evan was his first kiss and first time and first every thing except first love. Hates him because he can't really ever tell him the truth; he can't ever let Evan see who he really is because he isn't the person Evan thinks he is. 

Evan sometimes feels like a weight on his shoulders, a heavy thing that makes his back crack and ache that gets worse and worse every single time Evan says " I love you" and Regulus says it back. He has always been a liar, this isn't knew but this type of lying; it's just so much worse. Like every time he tells Evan he loves him his soul shatters just a little more .Regulus just turned fourteen and yet he feels like if he doesn't love Evan back then he will be revealed to be some form of loveless monster and everyone will realize who he really is. Most of all Evan makes him feel like a terrible person, makes him feel responsible for the love Evan has in his heart and everything that happens to him. 

So yes, Regulus hates him, and every time he thinks it he feels the guilt hanging him get tighter around his neck; can feel his back ache more and more. It had always been bad that he couldn't love girls, that it was always guys he noticed. That he couldn't bring himself to even think about kissing a girl without either throwing up or leaving his body. That he would never be who he was supposed to be, that no matter how perfect he was; no matter what he said or what he did he would never be the perfect son for his parents because no matter what he did he just couldn't change this one thing that just happened to matter so fucking much to them. He would never be perfect and there was nothing that he could ever do to change that.

He had thought, that out of all the guys, Evan would be the best choice. He could at least love Evan and maybe because he wasn't a blood traitor or whoever the fuck his parents hated, then maybe his parents; just fucking maybe; they would be okay with everything, maybe they would at least not throw him out. He has known all his life that his parents didn't love him but maybe if he loved Evan they would hate him less.

Sometimes, when he wanted to ignore his problems, which was all the time, he would spend all day writing notes and little letters to Evan. Writing about a future that they didn't actually have together, writing about nice sounding lies. Compliments and declarations of a deeper love that only Evan would ever read, that Regulus himself wouldn't actually believe. He had wanted, wanted so fucking badly to believe it. He wanted to love Evan so badly but he couldn't, the same way he couldn't love girls. 

Whenever he wrote those letter he would think about James. He talk about Evan with James laugh in mind, with James smile playing over and over in his head. James whenever they were together never made him feel like a bad person, never felt like a weight on his shoulders he didn't want to bare. James whenever he was with Regulus made him feel happy. Happy; for the first time in a long time someone had made him happy. He didn't even realize he was in love with James until it was too late. He was always too late. 

At the moment it hadn't been an epiphany, just a slight 'oh' moment. The fact that he was in love with James didn't even shock him. He would always look over at James when ever he heard his laugh. Just watch him. He had always been so beautiful when he laughed. The moment he realized he was in love with James, James had been laughing. He had turned around just in time too see it. The sun catching on his glasses, his mouth was open wide and you could see his slightly crooked teeth, his skin was warm and shone bright. He had thrown his head back into the air and Regulus had never seen anything that was as amazing as that moment. James was a person that he could hold, a person who wouldn't make him feel dirty. Someone who would never be a burden, someone he would never have to lie to. James was James and no one could ever be like him. No one could ever replace James.

That had been what Evan was for. In some twisted way he had liked Evan, certainly not loved him like James but he liked him. He had thought that he could switch his feelings, that he would lose the love he had with James and then adore Evan instead. He had been wrong. He couldn't even complain, couldn't at all blame anything on Evan. Regulus had been the one to kiss him first. Evan had been an innocent bystander. And Regulus hated him for it. 

The first time Evan and Regulus slept together, Regulus had been drunk. Evan hadn't noticed. Didn't notice the liquor that he tasted like, or the slow way he moved that couldn't have been on purpose. He hadn't noticed that fact that the only reason Regulus had stayed with him that night was because he hadn't been able to stand up and walk away. When Regulus is drunk he remembers everything, he's not even very different when he's drunk. The only things that change is how fast he thinks and how and if he can walk. He knows this because he's never blacked out before, even after eight shots of tequila and a bottle of almond extract he got from the kitchens. He's gone to class drunk, lectures and club meetings, even quidditch practice. No ones noticed anything. He's always hated it, the fact that he could never really use the excuse of "sorry I was just so drunk" with people. That he would never be able to forget, for even just a few moments. 

He still drank however, he didn't feel much but it made it easier to smile, made it easier to laugh and to look Evan in his eyes. 

Evan would have him crucified if he knew. Evan once saw him with a cigarette and they had their first fight. Their friends afterwards had made fun of them, saying that they weren't the perfect couple anymore. Regulus had started smoking when he was seven. Somehow none of them knew that.

He thinks, that they don't know him at all, he thinks that no one knows him. If people did know him they wouldn't fucking like him that's for sure. He's an asshole, theres no fucking doubt about it, and the fact that he's aware of it makes all the shitty things that he's done even worse. Everybody is an asshole, the worst type of assholes are the ones that are aware. He's that. The other worst type of asshole is the self pitying kind. He's that too. 

He's not made to last long in this world. He was never made to grow up. He's gonna die, soon probably. He thinks the best he can do is not be an asshole to all the people who's stuck with him. He's not going to tell them, they deserve someone who isn't a suicidal mess.There just fifteen now, fifteen year olds shouldn't have to handle someone like him.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry that you had too read this lol


End file.
